Four years ago, I was stressed, burning out and unhappy. The crunch point came one morning; an email exchange with my boss had, yet again, left me full of hot tears of frustration and anger which then settled into a familiar black cloud of despair and hopelessness. My stomach was in a perpetual flutter, I couldn’t concentrate or take anything on board, and I would emotionally massively over-react to….well, anything.
In a moment of unusual clarity I saw that something had to change and that I was in no fit state to make that change on my own without help. I can be proud, stubborn and independent. I had this belief that asking for help was somehow a sign of weakness and failure. There was also a lot of guilt and self disgust that I should be in this state when really I “had it all” – a good job, happy marriage, beautiful home, 3 small gorgeous daughters. What did I have to be so “stressed” about, when so many others face lives of real hardship? So it took an enormous effort to pick up the phone and ring the doctor’s surgery.
With a shaking voice, and still sniffing through the tears I explained that physically there was nothing wrong but I needed to talk to someone about my emotional state. The very empathetic receptionist found me an appointment that afternoon (more guilt, taking time “someone really ill” might need).
I was lucky – the doctor was fantastic, listening patiently while I sobbed out my situation. “Well, you’re not superwoman, and you should stop trying to be, so I’m signing you off for a week” he said. “But I can’t be off for a whole week” I cried, “I’ve got to do x,y and z. I’ll be ok…..if I could just stop crying!”
That week off was the turning point. I had made two crucial decisions: something had to change, and it was up to me, and only me to make that change happen. It was no good crying wistfully “if only things were this way” or “if only s/he would be more that way”. I was no longer prepared to play the victim in my own life; I had to deal with the things that were in my control – and that mostly meant dealing with myself…
