Ahh, there was a change in the weather today, both outside and inside. I’m sensing the season shift to Autumn, which I warmly welcome. I relish the cosiness of the darkening evenings, the comforting colours and earthy scents. Autumn is a wonderful time to gently let go of what no longer serves, and to prepare for what’s ahead. I enjoy the ‘back to school’ sense of purpose and renewed rigour. This weekend was full of healthy eating, good exercise and productive clearing and ‘sorting out’.
But today that call to purpose has fallen silent and my internal weather has a melancholy tinge. I’m getting lost in the meanderings of my train of thought, seeing nothing through to completion before another diversion lures me in. My ‘remember to do’ list lies accusingly untouched and my over-riding feeling is “I can’t be bothered”. I don’t want to be a grown up today. I don’t want the guilt of responsibilities and dependencies. I don’t want structure or commitment or deadlines. I want to feel free to just suit myself.
Yes, I’m avoiding. My INFP soul is begging me to retreat and go inside because what’s outside feels too hard. Except it’s not hard, not really. There’s only one thing that’s truly hard, where I’m holding on, full of churning emotions. My eldest leaves for university this Saturday. I’m so proud, so happy and excited for her as she starts this first part of her life as an independent adult. And I’m also so lost, already bereft, wanting my baby to stay safe with me. I feel my role and identity changing as the season changes. I’m grieving for what’s passing and feeling vulnerable about what’s to come, even as another part of me is full of curiosity and wonderment for the road ahead.
And all of this is ok. It’s not right or wrong, it simply “is”. So I’ll sit with the discomfort of my internal weather today, knowing that it will pass. Acceptance and kindness to self sit at the heart of my ‘OAK TREE’, and it’s grounding to reflect and be reminded that what I help others with applies to me too!